Back to basics

Every time I start a new journal God does  something new on the inside of me, He gives me a word for that which I will be going through, and i normally read into it, while trying to convince myself that I am not reading into it because it never turns out the way that I think it will. I am not sure if I can call this a new season in my life, but perhaps the next chapter in the journey of 'intimacy' with Him. 

I have been seeing myself in a different light lately. I really do not have everything as together as I would like to think. In taking stock of where I am in my life, how I behave, how I spend my time, I find myself incredibly lacking. Not in a condemning way, but in a healthy-convicting sort of way. I have been seeking God on this, these tendencies draw me away from Him, and I don't like it. I don't like being removed from Him. I want to experience a life with Him unlike any other. I want to meet, even exceed the biblical basis of what a Christian should be; heal the sick, raise the dead etcetera etcetera. How can I do these things when I am so distracted by life? If I want to be really honest, how can I do these things when my own mind and perceptions hold me back the way they do? And what do I do now that I realize I have this issue? Thankfully, God never leaves me alone to deal with this stuff. After an all-out-there cry session the other night He has told me this next journey will be about going back to the basics; going back to where the foundations have been built, reestablishing correct views and perceptions of Him, myself, and life in general. He has been leading me to go back through my past, to the things that I have been through, and go through them with Him. I dislike this thoroughly. I don't like digging up the past, it happened, I got through it, the end. But it's not the end, at least not for me. It still hurts. There are many things that I just do not understand, and would prefer not to think about; but I cannot run from this anymore. I have an extreme influx of time in my life right now, nothing to distract me from what is going on inside of me. So it is time to write it all out; write out my testimony and go through every bit of pain that still resides there. I am looking forward to it, and not. I don't like emotional pain, I feel it in my heart. It physically hurts me, but I suppose I could say I am looking forward to being done with this. To not having to deal with this stuff anymore; also every bit of work that has been difficult up to this point has been extremely worth it, the sacrifice minimal in comparison to what I have received.  Besides, who wants to carry around all that baggage? And so I begin today, writing out as He points to things in my heart. Pray for me :)