New beginning?

I went to church last Friday. It has been a while. I have developed these fears that I find perturbing. Gone are my "devil may care", haphazard, ways of living. Replaced by life controlling, panic attack inducing, perhaps a bit irrational, fears. Church is one of these fears I have developed. I live by one of the arguably best churches in the world; people travel from around the world to visit, to see the miracles of God, to attend one of the conferences, or even just to hear one of the gifted speakers that they have on staff there. No matter, I still hate going, until I get there that is. I love being there, I love singing, worshipping; I love to hear the sermons. Whenever I go I always think, "I can't believe I have been gone for so long! I need to come more often!" That stays for about as long as I am in the building...well, actually, probably until I wake up the next morning. Most of my fears stem from being hurt by the people in attendance. I do not desire to be close to people. I do not want to get to know anyone, or allow them in, because I do not want to be hurt. Makes sense. Hurting people hurt people. I have done it myself. No matter what logic I use, I have been unable to overcome these feelings of hurt and fear. It is not that I do not love God, because I do, but I would be lying to say this has not affected my relationship with Him, because it has, immeasurably. I miss Him, in fact, that's what normally happens when I go to church. I sob, remarking on how much I miss my relationship with Him. 

This is where I found myself that Friday evening as the speaker took the stage. He began remarking on the Body of Christ, and that He lives in us, how we are His reflection to the world, automatically in my head:

*Snort. Yeah right. I will believe it when I see it.

Right then something dropped in my heart, call it what you will, a Holy Spirit nudging, an awakening of self, whatever the cause, the results remain the same.

"What about you?"

What about me? What have I been reflecting to the world. Honestly, if you had asked me yesterday if I was a Christian, I wouldn't have wanted to say yes. Not because I am ashamed of my God, but because I wouldn't want people to think that I am a reflection of Him. The truth is, I have been using my pain and experiences to live in a way that is against that which I believe to be life. Unforgiveness, anger and pain, constantly edge their way to the surface. 

A friend told me that I needed to find myself recently. That I needed to get out of the environment I was in and stretch myself. I believe it hit me for the first time, the prospect of going somewhere where no one knows me, starting fresh, new phone number, new digs, new life. No one knows you, knows the mistakes you have made, and therefore is unable to hold them against you. I have been pondering this over the last several days. The thought of it is intoxicating; where would I go, who would I be? If I could be any way that I wanted, how would I be? I love the prospect of this, of new beginnings. I just realized, this is what Christ promises us. A completely new life. I am in bondage this life because I am reminded by myself, or others, of what I have done.  So technically, I am only in bondage as much as I allow myself to be, and therefore as free as I believe myself to be. What a provoking thought...

I decided this morning that today was a new beginning. It is a new day and therefore fresh, with no mistakes in it. I am going to be the difference that the world needs. While I cannot control how others act, or even how others treat me, I can control my response, and how I treat others. I want to be a reflection of Him. And I can start that right here. :)

Homemade pesto

I bought a new basil plant. Safeway had them on sale for $3.99 while the small pack pre harvested was $4.99. How is this even a contest? Seriously, this thing was huge, this is a POST- harvested picture!


Anyway, after my sister and I bequeathed my plant with his name, Roderick, I decided that I wanted to make homemade pesto with his larger leaves. You may think it's odd that I named my plant, but I assure you, that is just everyday life for me. I name everything, that has value to me, except my phone, (perhaps that is why it spases out on me so frequently, or maybe it knows my true desire is to own an iPhone 4s...). I didn't look for a recipe because I like to venture out on my own. I made these raw lemon "cheese" cakes today that were not quite the firmness I was looking for, (not that don't I enjoy eating the "happy little accidents"), But the pasta dish I made was off the hook uh-maze-ing! This is why I experiment, for when it delivers earth shattering amazing results. Without further ado, homemade pesto recipe!


Pesto:
Approximately 8 cups loosely packed basil
3/4 c nuts ( I picked almonds and walnuts)
Olive oil
Salt (if desired)

Bake the nuts at 400° for ten minutes,

make sure they don't scorch!

While they are baking, rinse and dry the basil, placing it in the food processor. After your nuts have cooled throw them in with the basil, add 1/2 to a whole teaspoon of salt, depending on your tastebuds.

Turn on the processor, start pouring in the olive oil, in a slow, steady stream until it makes the consistency you desire. I would venture to say it took 1/8 to 1/4 of a cup of oil, but don't be afraid to use some more! 

This will keep in the fridge for about a week, several months if you freeze it. I like to put it in little ice cube trays and freeze so I don't waste any and I have pesto anytime I want it!

Put on your favorite pasta, or use for my tomato salad! Enjoy!

The best Grilled Cheese ever

I am in the process of organizing and getting rid of that which I do not need in my life, at least until I have a bigger place to put it in. One of my main areas of disgruntlement is the attic. People just shove everything in, by the door, one can hardly step inside. Needing a new place for my junk, I organized it, putting everything in its rightful place; (read: shoving things aside to make a discernible path throughout, but in a neater fashion than before). Success! I then began the process of transporting crap from the bedroom to the attic. Starting with my artificial Ficus tree. Why do I have a ficus? Decorative purposes? I don't even know anymore. Needless to say, it was the first thing to go. I was taking my Ficus to its new home in the back of the attic when my foot slipped off one of the crossbeams. There was a crack and then I found myself dangling out of the ceiling in the garage. Thankfully my legs went at such at awkward angle, my left one lodged in the crossbeams keeping me from falling all the way through. I am a good humored person, so I found this incredibly hilarious, to the point of tears. Hopefully my mother will be so glad that my life had been spared that she won't mind the gaping hole in her garage.

After that ordeal I was done moving for the day, ("After one tree?!" Don't judge me. Have you fallen through a ceiling lately?). I don't really agree with utilizing food as a comfort mechanism, but I was hungry as well, so I decided to make myself a grilled cheese sandwich. Easy enough. Anyone can make one; bread, cheese, butter, cook. Really, a kindergartener could do it. But I make the best grilled cheese. Ever. Well, I did see this epic one on Man Vs. Food one time that utilized life 16 different types of cheese. That one might be better. Maybe.



Ingredients:

Bread (you can use Udi's for Gluten free, truly, the most awesome GF sandwich bread)
Mayo
Garlic (powder or salt)
Cheese (the better the cheese the better the sandwich)
Olive oil

Spread a small amount of mayo on both slices of bread, then sprinkle the garlic on both sides. For those who don't like mayonnaise, suck it up (yes, there are people like that, I know three so far...). You can't really taste it, it adds the the final texture of the awesome silky cheesyness to the final product. It will be worth it, I promise :D



Shred the cheese, approximately 1/3c per sandwich. The better the cheese, the better the sandwich. Seriously. I like sharp cheddar cheesePut one side of the sandwich, stick it in the microwave for 40 seconds, or until the cheese is mostly melted.



Put on the other slice of bread, put a tablespoon of olive oil in a hot pan on the stove. Put the bread in the pan. I like to swirl the bread to sop up all the oil. Plus, it's more fun that way. Cook till golden, take out, one more tablespoon of oil, then flip the sandwich, cook till golden on the other side.

You can cut into interesting shapes, or just the original triangle awesomeness.

Enjoy! ^___^

red skirt?

red skirt? by bfreemercy featuring a wool skirt

STEFFEN SCHRAUT slim shirt
$175 - stylebop.com

Burberry double breasted coat
£695 - net-a-porter.com

Moschino wool skirt
£614 - farfetch.com

Fogal tight
$69 - barneys.com

Manolo Blahnik pointy heels
£469 - farfetch.com

Eyeful fringe scarve
$44 - nordstrom.com

Black hair accessory
£1.99 - attitudeclothing.co.uk

Back to basics

Every time I start a new journal God does  something new on the inside of me, He gives me a word for that which I will be going through, and i normally read into it, while trying to convince myself that I am not reading into it because it never turns out the way that I think it will. I am not sure if I can call this a new season in my life, but perhaps the next chapter in the journey of 'intimacy' with Him. 

I have been seeing myself in a different light lately. I really do not have everything as together as I would like to think. In taking stock of where I am in my life, how I behave, how I spend my time, I find myself incredibly lacking. Not in a condemning way, but in a healthy-convicting sort of way. I have been seeking God on this, these tendencies draw me away from Him, and I don't like it. I don't like being removed from Him. I want to experience a life with Him unlike any other. I want to meet, even exceed the biblical basis of what a Christian should be; heal the sick, raise the dead etcetera etcetera. How can I do these things when I am so distracted by life? If I want to be really honest, how can I do these things when my own mind and perceptions hold me back the way they do? And what do I do now that I realize I have this issue? Thankfully, God never leaves me alone to deal with this stuff. After an all-out-there cry session the other night He has told me this next journey will be about going back to the basics; going back to where the foundations have been built, reestablishing correct views and perceptions of Him, myself, and life in general. He has been leading me to go back through my past, to the things that I have been through, and go through them with Him. I dislike this thoroughly. I don't like digging up the past, it happened, I got through it, the end. But it's not the end, at least not for me. It still hurts. There are many things that I just do not understand, and would prefer not to think about; but I cannot run from this anymore. I have an extreme influx of time in my life right now, nothing to distract me from what is going on inside of me. So it is time to write it all out; write out my testimony and go through every bit of pain that still resides there. I am looking forward to it, and not. I don't like emotional pain, I feel it in my heart. It physically hurts me, but I suppose I could say I am looking forward to being done with this. To not having to deal with this stuff anymore; also every bit of work that has been difficult up to this point has been extremely worth it, the sacrifice minimal in comparison to what I have received.  Besides, who wants to carry around all that baggage? And so I begin today, writing out as He points to things in my heart. Pray for me :)

Tomorrow's outfit.

Tomorrow's outfit. by bfreemercy featuring a white day dress

Antik Batik white day dress
€127 - maryandpaul.com

Burberry double breasted coat
$1,470 - stylebop.com

H&M zipper jeans
£30 - hm.com

Deerskin boots
$190 - topshop.com

London Road pearl jewelry
£85 - johnlewis.com

Scout Catalogue tie dye scarve
$118 - needsupply.com

Fried chicken, gluten free style

I like fried food, a lot. Chicken being one of my favorite, breaded, crispy, fried, deliciousness. Especially the breading, love the breading. Considering that wheat causes poor reactions in my body, I have been abstaining from this amazing concoction. So I decided to make my own recipe. The result was the juiciest, most amazing chicken I have ever eaten. I do so love happy endings to my recipe experiments!

Fried Chicken, gluten free style

Chicken pieces

Buttermilk, (I used half and half with vinegar)

2/3 C rice flour

1/3 C tapioca flour

1T Garlic powder

2tsp Cayenne pepper

salt and pepper to taste

Oil for frying

Cut up the chicken breasts, soak them in the buttermilk, I put seasoning in the milk too, garlic, salt, pepper. And let it rest for an hourish.

Mix the dry ingredients. Coat the chicken in mixture. Put the coated pieces in the oil.

Fry till golden brown. Wait to eat until generally cool so you don't burn your mouth off.