New beginning?

I went to church last Friday. It has been a while. I have developed these fears that I find perturbing. Gone are my "devil may care", haphazard, ways of living. Replaced by life controlling, panic attack inducing, perhaps a bit irrational, fears. Church is one of these fears I have developed. I live by one of the arguably best churches in the world; people travel from around the world to visit, to see the miracles of God, to attend one of the conferences, or even just to hear one of the gifted speakers that they have on staff there. No matter, I still hate going, until I get there that is. I love being there, I love singing, worshipping; I love to hear the sermons. Whenever I go I always think, "I can't believe I have been gone for so long! I need to come more often!" That stays for about as long as I am in the building...well, actually, probably until I wake up the next morning. Most of my fears stem from being hurt by the people in attendance. I do not desire to be close to people. I do not want to get to know anyone, or allow them in, because I do not want to be hurt. Makes sense. Hurting people hurt people. I have done it myself. No matter what logic I use, I have been unable to overcome these feelings of hurt and fear. It is not that I do not love God, because I do, but I would be lying to say this has not affected my relationship with Him, because it has, immeasurably. I miss Him, in fact, that's what normally happens when I go to church. I sob, remarking on how much I miss my relationship with Him. 

This is where I found myself that Friday evening as the speaker took the stage. He began remarking on the Body of Christ, and that He lives in us, how we are His reflection to the world, automatically in my head:

*Snort. Yeah right. I will believe it when I see it.

Right then something dropped in my heart, call it what you will, a Holy Spirit nudging, an awakening of self, whatever the cause, the results remain the same.

"What about you?"

What about me? What have I been reflecting to the world. Honestly, if you had asked me yesterday if I was a Christian, I wouldn't have wanted to say yes. Not because I am ashamed of my God, but because I wouldn't want people to think that I am a reflection of Him. The truth is, I have been using my pain and experiences to live in a way that is against that which I believe to be life. Unforgiveness, anger and pain, constantly edge their way to the surface. 

A friend told me that I needed to find myself recently. That I needed to get out of the environment I was in and stretch myself. I believe it hit me for the first time, the prospect of going somewhere where no one knows me, starting fresh, new phone number, new digs, new life. No one knows you, knows the mistakes you have made, and therefore is unable to hold them against you. I have been pondering this over the last several days. The thought of it is intoxicating; where would I go, who would I be? If I could be any way that I wanted, how would I be? I love the prospect of this, of new beginnings. I just realized, this is what Christ promises us. A completely new life. I am in bondage this life because I am reminded by myself, or others, of what I have done.  So technically, I am only in bondage as much as I allow myself to be, and therefore as free as I believe myself to be. What a provoking thought...

I decided this morning that today was a new beginning. It is a new day and therefore fresh, with no mistakes in it. I am going to be the difference that the world needs. While I cannot control how others act, or even how others treat me, I can control my response, and how I treat others. I want to be a reflection of Him. And I can start that right here. :)